About Men! Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them. What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles. Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones. What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? a man. What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? Castrated. What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them. Why are men like commercials? You can't believe a word they say. Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay. Why are women so bad at parallel parking? Because men keep telling them that this... |<---------------------->| is 8 inches. What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble finding a bar. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex. What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off. What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men. How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes. How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them. What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby. What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them. Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married. What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? An insurance company. Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have feelings. Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brains. What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk! Two women meet on the street. One asks the other about her companion. "Well, liquor doesn't agree with him and he doesn't know how to play poker." "That's wonderful." "It would be, if he didn't drink and play poker." What's funnier than a man trying to be romantic? A man cooks for a woman when they are dating. He says, "I only know how to cook two things - steak and fried eggs" "Great," she says. "Which one is this?" They say not all jocks are dumb. Right. Did you hear about the pro football player who was so stupid that he wouldn't sign his contract unless he got Sundays off? I ran into a dumb man at a party who told me he had a green thumb. "Oh, do you grow flowers or vegetables?" I asked. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "What are you talking about, lady? I paint houses." Have you ever seen a dumb man's house? They always have the most perfect lawn. Every blade of grass exactly three feet high. What kills me about dumb men is they act like women don't know how to handle money. Like they do. I was talking with a guy the other day and he told me he lost $200 on the Giants, then he lost $200 on the Redskins, and another $200 on the Raiders. I said, "If you have to gamble, why don't you forget the football and start gamblimg on something you can win at? Like horses." "Oh I couldn't," he said, "I don't know anything about horse racing." In England, a dumb man who doesn't do anything is called a Gentleman. Here we call him a boyfriend. They asked me if my boyfriend's family is worth any money. "Yes," I told them. "His father's worth $20,000, dead or alive." Did you hear about the baby born with organs of both sexes? It had a penis and and brain. A widower who had never missed his wife until she was gone went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. Arrangements were made and one dark night he finds himself talking to her. "Honey," he says, "is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband." "Then heaven must be an amazing place." "I'm not in heaven, my husband." Cleanliness is next to godliness, but most men seem to want to wait until they're next to God to bathe. A friend says she was in line behind a man checking into a hotel and the woman behind the desk asked the guy if he would like a room with a tub or a shower. He says, "What's the difference?" "You can sit down in a tub," she explained. You can't change a dumb man. I thought after the wedding he'd stop drinking and stop smoking. Instead he stopped working and started dating. What do you get when you cross a dumb man with a pig? Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do. What's a sure sign a dumb man is planning to be unfaithful? If he has a penis. A dumb man walks up to a tourist and says, "Stick `em down." The tourist says, "You mean 'stick `em up.'" The dumb man says, "No wonder I haven't made any money today." A drunk dumb man walks up to a parking meter and puts in a quarter. The dial goes to 60. He looks for a minute and says, "My God!, I've lost 120 pounds!" A dumb man walks into an antique shop and says, "What's new?" One dumb man sees another dumb man at the office and says, "What did you do to your hair? It looks like a wig." The other guy looks embarrassed and says, "Well, it is a wig." The first dumb guy says, "You know, you could never tell." I asked one dumb man why he had 150 books but no bookcase. He said, "Nobody will lend me a bookcase." A dumb man comes homes to his wife one night and says, "I just saw the most amazing invention that can sew buttons right on my shifts." "That's wonderful," says the wife. "What is it?" "It's called a needle and thread." A panhandler walks up to a dumb man and says, "Mister, I haven't tasted food in a week." "Don't worry," he tells the bum. "It still tastes the same." My best friend just ran off with my husband. I'll miss her. Why don't dumb men drink coffee at work? It keeps them awake. Why did God give men larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. On the way home from a party, a wife said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?" The husband is very flattered, "Why no, I don't think you have." "Then what in the hell gave you that idea at the party?" Driving to school one day, a young daughter asks her mother what happens to cars when they get old and banged up. "Someone sells them to your father," comes the answer. My husband is a CPA. A Constant Pain in the Ass. A dumb man finds his wife in bed with another man. "What are you doing?" he yells. "See," she says to her lover, "I told you he was dumb." A dumb actor was on stage one night doing a terrible version of Hamlet. It was so bad, the audience was booing. Finally the actor stopped, looked at the audience and said, "Don't blame me, I didn't write this crap." If they can put one man on the moon, why can't they put them all? Why did the dumb man guy an electric lawn mower? So he could find his way back to the house. Why did the dumb man sell his water skis? He couldn't find a lake on a hill. Why did they kick the dumb man out of the airport? He kept throwing stale bread at the plane. A wife tells her dumb husband to go and change their son. Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl. What's the hardest thing to teach a dumb man? How to operate a waste basket. Why did the dumb man come home drunk and leave his clothes on the floor? He was in them. Why did the dumb man want to vote for a female President? Because we'd only have to pay her half as much. Why did the dumb man snort Nutri-sweet? He thought it was diet coke. What happened to the dumb man who locked himself in his truck? His friends had to use a coathanger to get him out. How can you tell which computer the dumb man is using? There's white out all over the screen. Did you hear about the dumb vandal? He spray-paints his name on chain link fences. What's the difference between a dumb man and a messy room? You can straighten up a messy room. What's the difference between a dumb man and a dumb ox? Fifteen pounds and a six-pack. How many dumb men does it take to mop a floor? No one knows; they've never done it. A woman who had married a dumb man ran into a friend on the street one day, and the friend asked her how her marriage was going. "Not good. He eats like a pig, he never takes a bath, and he leaves his dirty clothes all over the house. He makes me so sick I can barely eat." "Well," says the friend, "why don't you leave him?" "I will," says the first one. "But I want to lose another 12 pounds first." Did you hear about the six dumb men who went on a hunting trip? In two days they killed 8 cases of Budweiser. Two dumb men go hunting. Soon they get separated and, as often happens, one mistakes the other for a deer and shoots him. After much effort he drags his buddy from the woods, throws him in the 4x4 and takes him to the nearest hospital. "Will he be all right?" the worried hunter asks the doctor. "It's hard to say," says the doctor. "But it would have been better if you hadn't gutted and skinned him." Did you hear about the two dumb men who went ice fishing? They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it. What's the difference between a dumb man and Bigfoot? One is not too smart, covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet. The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says the kid. Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for dumb men. It only has one piece. And most of the time, it's missing. Dumb? The power went off and he was trapped on an escalator for two hours. What does a dumb man call true love? An erection. Why is a dumb man like a moped? They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one. Why did God create men? She forgot to put the legs on snakes. Did you hear about the dumb man who got a vasectomy at Sears? Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up. What's the difference between a dumb man and a parrot? You can teach a parrot to say, "No." How can you tell when a dumb man is happy? Who cares? What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital? At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out. What is six inches long, two inches wide and makes men act like fools? Money. A big drunk dumb man went to a men's room at a large restaurant. On his way back to his seat he stopped and asked a young woman if he had stepped on her foot a few minutes ago. "Yes," she replied rather testily, "Yes, you did." "Great," he said. "I knew my table was around here somewhere." How can you tell if you're dating a really dumb man? The waiter says, "Here boy" before putting down his food. How can you tell if you're dating a really dumb man? He tries to decide which wine does best with beer. A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce. What do you call a huddle in football? A dope ring. What's the one advantage of being a dumb man? You never miss any important phone calls because you're in the tub. What's the most effective birth control device for dumb men. Their manners. What's a dumb man's martini? An olive in a glass of beer. Then there was the dumb man who suffered from insomnia. He kept waking up every few days. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator. A dumb man was ordered by a local judge to take a paternity test. "Were you the father?" asked one of his friends. "They'll never find out," he said. "They took samples from my finger." Some scientists decided to conduct a test to see if dogs really become like their owners over time. They placed a female mathematician's dog in a room with a pile of bones and closed the door. When they returned, the dog had arranged the bones in a way that spelled the square root of pi. Then they put in a dog that belonged to a female rocket scientists. When they came back a half hour later, they found the bones spelled E=MC2. Then they brought in the dog of a male businessman. A half hour later they opened the door. The bones were all over the room and the dog was trying to get the other two dogs to bring them to him. Men are proof of reincarnation. You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime. Nobody can call him a quitter. He always gets fired. He fell in love with a woman on second sight. The first time he saw her he didn't know she was rich. He says he doesn't love her just because her father left her a fortune. He would love her no matter who left her the money. He's hoping for a lucky stroke. Mine. Why did they always carry a live monkey on Dan Quayle's airplane? In case the Vice-President needed spare parts. Why do dumb men bosses have such poor grammar? Because they end every sentence with a proposition. How did they know he was a dumb man when he went to the welfare office? He wanted to know how to cook food stamps. Why don't dumb men cook at home? No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster. A woman calls her husband at home and says, "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!" The husband can't believe it. "That's great," he says. "What should I pack?" The woman says, "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get home." Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him. How do we know Adam was the first dumb man? He thought Eve was cheating on him. What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect." How did the woman know the dumb man was cheating on her? He started bathing twice a week. Why do dumb men's hearts make the best transplants? They're never used. What's the worst thing about the glass ceiling? They want the women to clean it. "How often do these planes crash?" the dumb man asked a woman sitting next to him on a flight. "Once," she answered. A slight woman is seated next to a horrible jerk on an airplane. He's loud, he's stupid, he's throughless and arrogant, the epitome of the dumb man. Much to her relief, he drinks too much and falls asleep. Just as they near the airport, they hit a terrible pocket of turbulence and the woman throws up all over the man. Though he deserved it, she grabs a tissue and starts to wipe the guy off. Just then he wakes up and says, "What the hell is going on here?" Thinking quickly, she says, "Don't be embarrassed, you'll feel better in a minute." Once a woman told a dumb man that they use alligators to make shoes. He shook his head and said, "What will they teach them to do next?" What are the three most difficult years for a dumb man? Eighth grade. Two dumb men are out fishing and they are having great luck. They are catching so fast, they have to go back early. "This is so great," says the first guy. "We should mark the spot so we can cme here again." "You're right," says the other guy who dives over the side and paints a big X on the bottom of the boat and they head back to shore. Just as they're about to dock, the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "But what if we don't get the same boat?" How come dumb men don't go elephant hunting? They get too tired carrying the decoys. Some freshman college kids are sitting under a tree at their beautiful state university talking about their classes. Says one young woman, "I can't believe it. My calculus course has to be the hardest course in the world." "Get over yourself," says her girlfriend. "You should try my theoretical physics class." "You have got to be joking," says a young man there on a football scholarship. "You call that stuff hard? You should try my class. Have you ever heard of something called subtraction?" Sometimes we wonder where men learn to be so selfish. A substitute teacher reports recently she was teaching math to some second graders. She said to one boy, "If you have five apples and I asked you for one, how many would you have left?" The boy didn't bat an eye. "Five," he answered. Where's Robert Redford when you need him? A man is playing craps at Ceasar's Palace and he's winning a fortune. "Tonight," he says to his wife, "You're going to sleep with the richest man in Atlantic City." Just then, his luck changes. Within minutes he's broke. "So tell me," says his wife. "Is Donald Trump coming to our room or do I go to his?" Dumb men love their own. One day the manager of a brokerage firm walks past a new employee counting put and call slips. The guy does it faster than anyone he has every seen. "That's amazing," says the manager. "Where did you learn to count like that?" "Yale," answers the employee. "Yale? I don't believe it. I went to Yale. What's your name?" "Yohnson." He is so dumb, he thinks a pole vault is in a bank in Warsaw. "Mommy, where do babies come from? "The stork, dear." "Mommy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" "The police, dear." "Mommy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?" "The fire department, dear." "Mommy, where does food come from?" "Farmers, dear." "Mommy?" "Yes, dear?" "What do we need Daddy for?" He keeps a record of everything he eats. It's called a tie. You think that's bad? He wears the ugliest clothes you can buy. A moth flew into his closet once and it threw up. What's the one thing that keeps most dumb men out of college? High School. "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!" said the rude man at the diner. "No problem," said the waitress. "I'll get you some that is." We try to keep him out of the kitchen. Last time he cooked, he burned the salad. The police woman asked the lady why she didn't report the robbery right away. "I didn't know it was a robbery right away. It looked like my husband had been looking for a clean shirt." A man and a woman go into a drug store to pick up a prescription. While they're waiting, the man climbs on one of those old-fashioned scales some of them have. He puts in a quarter and out comes a card that says, "You are a thoughtful, considerate, kindhearted, and good with children." Very smugly, he hands the card to the woman. She reads it and says, "It didn't get your weight right, either." At least he doesn't eat between meals. That's because there *IS* no "between" meals. He weighs the same now as the day we were married. Four hundred and ten pounds. Two dumb drunks are walking down the street together in a tough waterfront neighborhood. They see a young punk siphoning gas out of a car. "Man, " says one drunk, "I hope I never get that thirsty." Dull? He's the poster boy for greybeige. He got a varsity letter in college. He wanted to know its name. I don't know where men learn to eat. On more thank one occasion I've had to explain to them what a tablecloth is. I've also had to tell them, that when they hit it, it's it's time to stop eating. Two dumb men went hunting. They saw a sign that said "Bear left" so they went home. Not all dumb men are mechanically inclined. A friend tells me a story about the guy who went to the hardware store and bought a chainsaw. The next day he brings it back. "What's the matter?" says the clerk. "You told me this saw would cut down ten trees in an hour. It took me all day yesterday to chop down ten trees." The clerk says, "Let me look at it." He takes the saw and pulls the starter cord. The thing starts right up with a deafening sound, a loud angry buzz. The customer puts his fingers in his ears and shouts to the clerk, "What's making that noise?" A lot of men are showing up at "executive placement centers" now that the 80's are over. One woman got assigned to help a fifty-ish guy get a new position. "At my last job I was the chief financial officer of a big company and it was a great place to work. Their medical and dental plan covered me and my family. We got two months of sick leave. We got bonuses twice a year. They encouraged two-hour-long expense account lunches. I have a company car, a BMW." "So why did you leave?" asked the woman. "We went out of business." A woman was out in the park walking her dog. After a while she unleashed the dog and had him perform a few tricks she had taught it. A man who had been watching them walked over and asked her how she taught the dog all those tricks. "I can't get mine to roll over," he said. "It's easy to teach a dog," said the woman. "But first, you have to be smarter than the dog." What's the quickest way to lose 180 pounds of ugly fat? Divorce him. We sometimes wonder if there are any limits to a man's laziness. I once heard two men talking. One said, "I'm thinking of going to Australia. The news says that someone's discovered a diamond mine in the Outback where they sit all over the ground. All you have to do is bend down and pick them up." They other guy looked at his friend and said, "Bend down?" Isn't it strange the way men think women think exactly like they do? They have an uncanny gift for spoiling maagic moment. Once a man and a woman were making love but it wasn't working. Thinking he's saying exactly the right thing, the man looks at the woman and says, "What's the matter? Couldn't think of anybody, either?" What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband? One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice. One day a six-year-old boy and his friends are looking at his family picture album. When he gets the to parent's wedding portraits he nods in recognition, "That's the day Mommy came to work for us." They have something now called Marriage Anonymous. When you feel like getting married, you call somebody and they send over a man in a dirty t-shirt who hasn't shaved in three days, smells like beer and watches football.